At some point I should write a well-thought-out analysis of the forms of self care I have been using over the past year or so, though often I perceive them to be forms of "failure" or just fall into them out of a sheer inability to keep trucking with what I've been doing. And a lot of them have certainly taken me off of the radar with regards to criticism, the genre world, etc.
A few, in particular:
(1) The relationship I have developed to training, fitness, and the body that I live in. Yeah, this has sort of turned into a workout blog half of the time. So has my social media presence more generally. But it's because this is something physical, fulfilling, and emotionally enriching; it makes me feel more whole and grounded. It is important. Frankly, it is one of the singular pleasures in my life--it keeps me going.
(2) As I tweeted to Alex MacFarlane the other evening, I realized something: I haven't been writing editorial-style essays for almost a year and a half now. The majority of my writing for Tor.com is just fiction criticism. And it's because I'm tired. Existentially fucking tired. I do not have the energy to wallow in those comment threads, to keep pushing the boulder up the hill. I can't do it. And I haven't been doing it.
(3) When at home, I have spent less time online and more time doing things that are fun. I spend time with my partner and my best friend, I visit and have meals with my mother, I try to get out and go to events or gatherings with friends. I relax. I imbibe. I attempt to have some measure of comfort in being alive.
And this stuff? It means I don't do as much work. I don't blog as much, I don't write as much, I don't write activist-oriented material much at all, et cetera. But there has to be some kind of balance, and I'm still trying to find it: a balance where I can enjoy what I do again, instead of resenting it.
Consider it a work in progress. I know I've said this before, or some variation of it, but--hey, you know, it's slow going and I'm not sure where the next while will lead.